Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Wise advice
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I finally found a reason to live again.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.