Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.