I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
You Might Also Like
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again