My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.