Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.