I just got arrested for felonious mopery
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at