Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!