Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.