[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂