They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Ovenable?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.