yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*