My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
whatcha thinkin bout
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Cool shirt 🙂
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?