Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*