WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You Might Also Like
That lamp looks PISSED.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.