I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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nature’s most graceful animal
PER MY LAST EMAIL
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
This guy’s not having it 😆
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips