me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
You deplete me
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”