Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You Might Also Like
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.