Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
And that about sums it up.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.