Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.