“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Time for evil
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If only.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.