I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Pass gas, not judgment.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.