How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.