Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!