Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Yes
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Schrödinger’s cookie
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.