[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets