At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
A French press is when you hug naked
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….