A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don鈥檛-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don鈥檛 need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m calling the cops.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 馃槀馃悇馃
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
if god isn鈥檛 real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That鈥檚 right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing鈥od, what is that thing called鈥ther people.