My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A game married people play.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.