All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.