I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The asteroid..
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.