Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger