In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
58.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT