Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan