That’s what I call a flat tire
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Worst Native American name ever.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me