‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids