Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You Might Also Like
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo