The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news