Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.