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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy