Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My Guy
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”