me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house