me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You Might Also Like
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.