‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.