There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Stop sending me this shit.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.