Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.