I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
the short answer to this question
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*