Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Our lord and savoury.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.