The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?