ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Lmao
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.