[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
🤣🤣
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.